understanding is not the same as acceptance

Its been almost a year and a half since I last wrote here...

What has transpired since then? An understanding of how things are.

An understanding that is primal.

An understanding that it is a burden of many.

But it doesn't mean that it should be accepted.

This should change.

Now.

More than ever.

I can blame it on how things are going now... but that's just an excuse.

Man up. Grow up.

what have i done...

What have I done?

For all the righteousness i preach, I have failed.

I feel sick. Dirty.

But nothing compares to what others will feel when they realize the error that I have committed.

I'm sorry.

You're Out!

This whole week is not going the way I want it.

Everyday its getting more and more disappointing.

Even my source of de-stressing is stressing me out.

I am slowing losing faith in myself.

Help.

8?!

There are 8 sores in my mouth. This is a record for me. The most I recall was five.

I have come to the conclusion that this is triggered by stress. The question is, am I really stressed out or am I just not used to working this hard?

Or am I just being too hard on myself.

Sometimes I wish theres a way of measuring these sort of things.

Pancake Epiphany

Today I decided to make my breakfast.

Leftover mashed potatoes with bacon - Check.
Spam - Check.

How about some pancakes? Why, thats a good idea!

Flour - Barely enough. Check.
Baking Soda - Barely enough. Check.
Milk - Barely enough. Check.
Salt and Sugar - Check.
Butter - Check.
Egg - Check.

I ended up making 4 pancakes. It was only after I made the fourth that I had a realization.

Ah crap. We don't have syrup. Or jam. Impulsive decision for the win.

FML.

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Then it hit me. Despite the fact that I lacked foresight, I still did it.

Me.

The person who has all the ideas but no execution.

Made pancakes.

On impulse.

I'm happy.

Atlas

Atlas was said to have carried the weight of the world on his back.

We all have our own burdens that we carry.

This trip has constantly been reminding me of the heavy burden that I carry.

I made my mistake. I made it twice. And although I just wish I could tell it to someone, to anyone, I can't.

This is my burden to bear.

And if it things go south, then I'm the only one to blame.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Nike

For as long as I can remember, I believed that everything just had to go my way. Any deviation, no matter how minute, is a sign that I shouldn't pursue. And I believed it. I can't remember just how many opportunities that had gone by because of this.

Last year, a close friend of mine once inspired me to just do. It didn't matter if there were a hundred million reasons that were telling me to turn back. I just needed one to go forward.

I did. I did do what I wanted to do despite the difficulty it posed.

I was happy!
I felt that I could do anything!
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Months passed by and that high I once felt disappeared.
I went back to my old ways.
Insecurity crept back in. It wasn't helping.
I wasn't helping myself.
"Its too difficult" I told myself.
"It can be done but its too time consuming. I rather not." I said.
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"You're not doing anything!" he said... And he was right. I wasn't. I was giving up without even trying. Hell, whats even more embarrassing was that I had the gall to think I can easily do it.

How the hell could I tell myself I can do anything when I don't even bother to lift a finger!?

To tell you the truth, I needed to hear those words. It gave me a purpose to do what I needed to do: To grow.

That was several weeks ago.

A few days ago, a get this from a fortune cookie: "Some people never have anything except ideas. Go do it."

Is this a sign?

Then my sister tells me to just do it.

I can't be tied down to why it can't be done... because there will always be a million and one reason out there.

And I did. With a little help from my sister of course.

Here's the thing. I am in a very fortunate position where there are people who believe in what I can do, and of course there are also people who will point out what I'm not doing.

I guess I just have to listen to them.

After all, people need a little push once in a while.

I need a lot.